â i do not have the spoons for you right now.
This post is a shoutout to my sister, Kaitlin.
A few weeks ago, she had some things going on she wanted to run by me.
But she didnât just call me and let it rip.
She sent this message: âI need your advice in the morning whenever you have the bandwidth.â
This struck me as SO self-aware and caring. Like âno, Iâm not just going to flood you with my thoughts unless I know you can handle it and have the space for me.â
I felt so seen by that, and of course asked her to call me as soon as my bandwidth allowed.
As my therapist would say: you only have so many spoons to give. When theyâre gone, theyâre gone. Parenting takes hella spoons, so does owning my own business. So often, when those two things are done for the day, I do struggle with capacity.
I donât like to give advice when Iâm running low on spoons. I get resentful, Iâm not my best self, and I often canât take the time like the person on the other end of the line deserves.
The thing about it is, we have community and support for a reason. But we donât always necessarily know what those people are going through - if theyâre in the middle of something theyâre not willing to share or just had a crazy day filled with toddlers, boogers, & errands (anyone else? just me?).
So do this:
Ask: Do you have the spoons for me? Can I run something by you? Do you have the bandwidth to discuss XYZ?
Accept: Donât take it personally if they say no, theyâre protecting themselves and you by being realistic about their capacity. They just may need some time to get back to you.
Awareness: Start taking inventory of your own spoons. Start assessing how you feel when someone takes your last remaining spoons (omg how many times could i possibly say the word spoon in one article đ).
Boundaries: Boundaries require the other person to do NOTHING, the action is actually on you. Example: âIâm not answering this personâs call until I finish this newsletter.â That person can call and call and call until the cows come home - but holding that boundary is 100% dependent on you.
It doesnât have to be a big dramatic thing to protect your peace.
It can just simply look like, âGive me a few hours and Iâll get back to you.â
Or, âMy toddler is shoving rocks up her nose, today really isnât good for me.â
Your spoons are YOURS to protect. Itâs on you if you give them away too freely. & remember, one teensy text can let your friends know you value their spoons too.
THX KAKIE ILY
â why female mentors are so hard to find in male-dominated industries
Find a mentor, they all say. Your career depends on it!
To me, this is much like saying, âFind your village when you have a kid! You canât do it without one!â OK.. do they just appear out of the mist? Is there a number to call or what?
Let me paint a picture for you.
Youâre one of maybe a handful of females at the manufacturing site/tech firm/enter male-dominated industry. If youâre lucky, some of them will be department managers. Probably a few will be in individual contributor roles, and some may be your peers.
Itâs important that your mentor is a female, because you need someone who personally has faced what youâre facing. Soo⊠who do you choose?
[p.s. not that you shouldnât have male mentors/allies. you should.]
It should also be someone whose career path aligns with your own goals. So maybe, that leaves 2-3 choices of women in management that youâd like as a mentor. Iâve mentioned before that at 28, I was the highest ranking female at our mill. So⊠wait, am I the mentor? Is it me?
Say you do have some options.. but every time you see them, theyâre running around like something is on fire (and hey, in manufacturing, thatâs a very legitimate possibility). Maybe you donât want to bother them or maybe you do ask them and they do NOT have the spoons for you (lord, here i go again with the spoons).
So what are your next steps? Hereâs what Iâd suggest:
Get clear on exactly what you want out of a mentor - job title, age, rank, experience, etc.
Get clear on what your goals for the mentorship are - career clarity, confidence building, bouncing ideas off of, exposure, etc.
Using those two criteria - ask HR for help finding someone. If they keep telling you itâs vital for your career, they should be willing to help.
Use your network - reach out to females youâve worked with in the past, connections on Linkedin, etc.
Ask yourself - can a coach provide for me what Iâm looking for in a mentor? And am I willing to invest in my career? (OK YA itâs a shameless plug but this is my newsletter isnât it??!! hehe).
Listen - if you canât easily find a mentor at work, youâre not alone. Itâs a corporate buzzword ideal that in practice is much harder to make happen.
But you can find support if you know what youâre looking for and know who to ask. I can help :)
â Links
My husband and I were on a podcast - Prashha Dutraâs Her Stem Story - talking about our STEM career paths and how we ended up in entrepreneurship. Listen here!
A great article about working dads and the role they play with promoting gender equity.
These white-board fridge calendars are saving my sanity this year.
Thatâs all for this week!
as always,
Iâm rooting for you.
xx, Hannah